are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
