You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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