he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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