Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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