Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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