he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize