im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
