So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
