I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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