just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I checked into jail on foursquare
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
