Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
