so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
