if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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