Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
