I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
