This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
