Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
