She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
