I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
