tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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