Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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