idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
