Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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