she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She needs sedatives and a leash
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I AM VODKA MAN
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
