I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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