I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
