i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
