oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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