Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
