1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
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