Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
that may or may not have been my penis.
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