He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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