I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
