I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Your penis caused this!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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