His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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