WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
