My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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