she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
