Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
