Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
