if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize