I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
