After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
