I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
