seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
