Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
