She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
