I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Fuck appropriateness.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Randomize