that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
