unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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