After last night, I could never be a politician.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
