my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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