So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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