Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
