My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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