I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
