Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
