I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
