my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize