Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
