I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
