you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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